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Summer has flown by...it's half way cliche; but nevertheless true. I wanted to update the blog....but I don't have the time, or even the subject to post something...inspirational. I finished EMT school alive, made the passing grade and got all my ride time in. I've worked this summer, and enjoy almost every moment of it. I've learned alot from it and from the kids. Got a concussion and spent some time in the hospital and couldn't walk straight for 2 weeks. Had a bit of a personality change (all due to the head injury, I'm sure) . I've been certified as a nationally registered EMT! (whooo!) Now I am getting ready to move to pursue my Paramedic degree. And somewhere between here and there, I missed it. Somewhere along the way I've slipped. My heart isn't where it used to be. It's harder, much more stoic, less compassionate - and I don't think it was the personality change due to the concussion.



My grandpa once explained his theory on why sometimes old people are so mean or crabby, when they never used to be. He said, "maybe it's because all these years, they have held in the ugly in them. And as time goes on and they get old, they just don't have the strength to hold in the "ugly" anymore and it just comes out; so all we see is the ugly of them."

Maybe thats my problem, I've been able to hold in the ugly that I've acquired on my journeys so far, but now that I'm so tiered I just don't have the, literal, where-with-all to hold in the "ugly" anymore. Most of the time I have the opportunity to give up the ugly at the end or the journeys; that opportunity hasn't happened yet, wither that or I missed it.



To say the least, I'm struggling; between choices for the future and the passion of living for today, the sensation of life's thrills and the reality of mundane life. I'm not totally sure what I'm going to do next, in this expedition of morals but as far as life and living...I'm going to do what I knew was the next step before I got lost and sidetracked along the way; move. Move to a new place, a chance of scene - to a new people, a place of fellowship; it's what keeps you accountable you know?



Help me get there, I don't want to do this - my emotions have changed but isn't that what it says? The heart is wicked, and who can know it? You've created it and you've shaped it, would you change it? There are still things I need, and I'm not quite sure what do about all of it, but I'm sure you've got an idea. I think I'm willing to run with it, I just need a push to get going. But then, I think You've already begun to nudge. I want to believe who I am and right now I'm not sure of anything.
Here are my problems, here are the issues, here is what I don't know - but You do, so I'm giving them to You.
In Jesus Name, Amen